I see her. Standing at the window. Looking out. A deep longing in her heart.

Confusion.

Hope.

She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t even know.

I don’t know this until years later.

I don’t really have this memory. This a memory that has been given to me on the journey to understand. To fill in the blanks.

If I run faster, be better, will you love me? Will you look at me like that?

To assert myself is to be broken.

We all have our own signs.

Mine is when I am not in flow. Being in flow doesn’t always mean I am happy. But it does mean am not stuck. Ever so slightly detached. Not quite there and able to experience what is going on.

Either way I feel shackled. Like a prisoner that has chains on my legs, and arms and the two are linked. And there is a guard yelling at me telling me to be happy they didn’t kill me. To be grateful. I’m fed and warm. I should be so lucky. But not of that matters without freedom.

But this is everything I wanted.

IFS prioritises us speaking for a part not from it.

Maybe this isn’t that. Maybe it is. But I think it’s possible to SOUND like I’m speaking from a part but be speaking for a part.

By making the choice to embody that part. Let it live. Let it say what it has to say then I can hear more from that part.

I will (no longer) force my parts to only speak in the way I determine is appropriate. Because that is just another part that has internalised a belief that there is a right way to do things. That to be valid and to be heard it must conform.

So with that…

This feels insanely frustrating to me.

This afternoon has been a bit more of a rollercoaster.

I want to blame the two gins I had last night.

I know alcohol has this effect on me.

And also I think there is more to this.

This feels like the next major exploration for me.

TBC

And now none of the words.

It was coming thick and fast - when I wanted to sleep. The brain was active. I also knew the second I got up to write it would go.

……

I can sleep now.

I’m trying to write.

Why does it not flow? Why do I keep getting stuck? Blank.

I know that I have this in me. I wouldn’t have got this far if I didn’t. But why can’t I access it now?

Whose concerned? Whose worried about what?

They can pull me out so well. Blank. Not even numb. Not even distracted. Just simply blank.

She has to look like she’s not sulking. She has to look like she’s not afraid. She has to comfort him without words. Sooth his hurts.

AND

She has to protect herself. Be absent enough to not be the centre of attention.

Be still enough to not draw attention. To fade into the backgroud.

But then, potential became a poison.

Like it’s a do or die moment.

When really, it needs loving kindness.

To go at my pace. The pace I set. The pace that changes as needed.

Which is interesting because if I am not wanting to go back to who I was then then I am wanting to become some idealised version of me in the future.

There is no sense of now.

Wanting to change in IFS?

Where does wanting to change fit in IFS?

So far I am not satisfied with how IFS explains ‘every daylife’.

To be in relation, the Self also needs to learnt to trust the parts.

To let them do their jobs.

I think pure IFS people would argue then that this is not the Self - but other parts we need to have learn to trust the Self.

But if the Self doesn’t have any agenda, it can’t be impacted then how can this really be an equal relationship?

It’s not.

A part having a strong reaction is not always a sign of needing to be healed.

What? Roselle you’re going to upset a lot of people.

Oh well.

This needs to be said.

Now I get this was training. Training means we usually need to break down and over exaggerate aspects before we can get to nuance.

BUT if we are working with the wrong building blocks then we aren’t going to get the house we want.

Interesting I just had the urge to stop writing and put on lipstick and take selfies.

A part distracting me?

This part?

Ah I’ve lost connection.

That’s ok. That’s a lot. That’s more than I’ve had before.

There will be more.

I’ve got a different sense now how those words are likely another part. Not some telepathy with that part.

And when writing that out I head the voice.

Just take her out.

Just give her what she needs.