Stagnation as a sign.

We all have our own signs.

Mine is when I am not in flow. Being in flow doesn’t always mean I am happy. But it does mean am not stuck. Ever so slightly detached. Not quite there and able to experience what is going on.

—->I’m not even sure what follows make sense, this is very free flowing tonight.

There are a few things going on in my body right now. And they aren’t the full reason for what is going on but we can’t escape our biology.

I can’t escape this pain in my back that makes it hard to breath. That has me holding my breath. That is definitely not helping me.

Oh my parts are super trying to look out for me right now. I’ve started with that itch. The ambiguous itch that has me not able to type a single sentence. Where the songs are annoying me. Where I can’t get comfortable.

There is a real commitment to have me not go there tonight. A real battle between the parts that don’t want to go there and the parts that want to ‘sort this shit out’.

And I’m caught in the middle.

Oh that’s a long held story I have. Can parts have collective stories? Can parts hold the same story? I can’t see why not.

What you also can’t see is the part of me that have my spelling so off (thanks auto correct). But it is this collective of everything being so damn hard that has me ‘stuck’ that has me frozen. That has me not in flow.

And flow feel so damn good. Flow is almost addictive. Oooh, I sense some parts that are against that? They don’t seem to like that it is so intense. Or rather that it is what I seek.

I wonder what they fear? What do they worry will happen? Well they saw me being in flow and forgetting things. Even though there was nothing wrong with that I had forgotten they worry that that is just the start and that things will escalate from there. Like an addiction they think there is no going back once the threshold is passed.

I mean they aren’t wrong. I’ve generally been an all-or-nothing person. So I don’t blame them.

I have been worried the last few days that my right pinky is going numb. Ah the joys of my body some days. The joys of what happens in my brain.

Oh and I see the shame that it receives.

And here was me thinking things had been quite on the home from. Not at all - I just hadn’t been aware of it. Away from it enough to know what was going on. To see what was going on. To create the space.

I hate this part right here.

This is probably a good reminder to start with what I have. Just where I am.