I don’t even know where this comes from.

This need to follow the rules.

To see guidelines as rules.

My sense making part can figure out many reason why it thinks it came to be.

Ok so let's use this time to look at some things.

A pattern.

A place I am back at.

And where I do not want to be.

Because what I want appears to be on the other side.

Although is it?

Is this an illusion?

Am I stuck trying to solve something that doesn't need to be solved?

There is something about the rise and fall.

The feeling good. Then shutting down.

It's less than before.

The difference between the two.

But it is still there.

And the shame about needing to be 'on the go' to be able to do things. To feel things. To be focused.

But I feel as thought I am steering down the barrel of a familiar situation.

Things put off until last minute.

I hear their voices - you’re not as broken as you think you are Roselle.

Yet ironically this obsession with fixing myself, this focus on it, this being stuck, if it’s not the trauma that broke them then I am just wired wrong.

I am at the mercy of my body.

So what you say? It’s only a phone.

Sure that is.

But…

I think a better term for what people mean when they experience me is disconnection.

They can’t connect.

And they can’t connect with me because I can’t connect with me.

I feel it again. Maybe it never go away.

I hear the voice. The one that says give up. Throw it all away.

I can’t keep up.

Everything is bouncing tonight. It’s really all over the place.

I can’t even write.

Is there such a thing as OF for feelings??

Arrogant doesn’t always mean bragging - it can also mean aloof.

People may think of you as arrogant b when you’re too self-indulged.

I always had the answer.

Not because I was any smarter.

Rather I believed I was dumber.

And while I won’t look back on my teens, 20s or at this rate my 30s and remember how happy I was, how spontaneous I was or how much joy there was.

I don’t think that’s a life less lived.

I see nothing but pain. I see looking back and seeing how heavy it was. How hard it was. How unspectacular it was.

It is my burden. The cross I have to bear.

Maybe it just needs to be enough.

A voice pops in and says 'haha yeah until that other part of you comes up who not only has absolutely zero interest in this but despises this idea’.

BUT when it comes to live - we actually have to live.

And getting deeply sucked into this idea that this stuff needs space all the time is going against some facts of life.

And I still haven’t got to what even triggered all this.

Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe that’s not the point?

And so, I end further and further away.

More and more disconnected.

Fredrick isn’t going away.

Somehow, we’re going to have to figure out how to work together.

It’s kinda annoying being human. Like there is no escape from this. This is how we are.

I notice the part that is over all this and just wants to work.

But I want this sorted for good. < A part? Ugg, see you can just go around in circles with parts like this.

Noticing the thoughts that say "he's back in touch with you because your energy has shifted, it's to do with you".

Ooh the depth of this narrative.

This interconnection that tells me how deeply engrained this idea is that who and how I am can control the world.

Like this is different even from 'manifesting'.

I’m still so angry.

Maybe I will be angry for my entire life. Maybe that’s just me.

Maybe I did think that keeping a blog would transform my anger so I wouldn’t feel it. Maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself.

But I see so many others and am so angry.

They get to be so average.