Could we put a label on it?

There is something about the rise and fall.

The feeling good. Then shutting down.

It's less than before.

The difference between the two.

But it is still there.

And the shame about needing to be 'on the go' to be able to do things. To feel things. To be focused.

But I feel as thought I am steering down the barrel of a familiar situation.

Things put off until last minute.

Only doing things when I feel excited.

And I don't feel excited.

A very familiar pattern.

But this time I have taken away the other parts that push me along.

The parts that had to respond to that situation to still make things happen.

I took those parts away.

But you can never impact a system without there being unintended consequences.

Impacts you cannot predict.

Things you do not understand.

Without a knowing of whether or not this not getting things done is 'just my landscape' and it's about replacing the old mechanism that were intense and did me other harm with better strategies.

Or if this too needs to be 'fixed'.

Something says it doesn't need to be fixed.

It just needs to be left as is. 

It's about better strategies. Ways of working with my landscape. Not trying to force it to be something it is not.

I fear this levelling up.

It is different.

I am different.

But I cannot deny this way of being that I want to be that feels so deeply in conflict with the things I need to do.

A dreamy whimsical me that floats around feeling feelings, being reflective.

Ironic that my Clifton Strengths supposedly has me a someone who get's things done.

Was that only because I had such a strong response to NOT BE ME?

That had to be strong to combat my very nature. My very way of being.

But reality is still reality.

It's not to say that it will always be this way. I can craft a different life. I can commit to different things. I can do things in a way that are more aligned with my landscape.

But my reality in this moment is that I have made commitments.

Things that it's important for me to honour.

And so therein lies what must also be dealt with now.

And for that I can find new strategies.