Blog

Anger, Shame & Hope

A mish-mash of what goes on inside my #busybrain. Welcome to a space I’ve created to befriend my anger and shame. All in the hope of living a life of joy and pleasure.

⬇️⬇️ Subscribe for weekly updates at the bottom of this page ⬇️⬇️

Blog, IFS, ACT Roselle O’Brien Blog, IFS, ACT Roselle O’Brien

But I’m playing by the rules.

I know the story. I see the pattern. Thanks, Dad. Not.

But knowing this is not enough. Knowing that I am living out this pattern from my childhood is not enough to change it.

ACT would say get distance from it in some way and then take valued action.

IFS would say heal the burden.

I think it’s a bit of both. I can heal the burden through getting some distance and taking valued action.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

I can be fun

Fuck I can be fun.

And funny.

When I let go of the rules I can be so fun. I can do the dance of life. I can be with people.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

Getting it right

Rules. Rules have long been my thing.

But recently things are coming untangled.

I feel freer. Not sure how it necessarily makes a difference in my life. Like how do I DO differently.

But maybe the more I talk about it the sooner I will work it out.

So it started, 3 years ago.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

Follow the rules

I don’t even know where this comes from.

This need to follow the rules.

To see guidelines as rules.

My sense making part can figure out many reason why it thinks it came to be.

Read More
90 Days of Pleasure Roselle O’Brien 90 Days of Pleasure Roselle O’Brien

90 Days of Pleasure - Day 2

See the thing about starting ‘challenges’ likes this is that I start to pay attention.

The moments that I would have ignored before - I look at them with different eyes.

This morning I was pondering as going about the mundane tasks of getting up, the routine of breakfast, asking myself….

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

I want my angry back

How do I really accept this part? Really let this part know they are welcome without then living this really disruptive experience. It’s HARD to be that frustrated all the time. To be that activated.

But I do not want to live in shame and shut this part down.

I don’t have the answer but I don’t like the current answers on offer.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

This is not me.

My new mantra.

This. Is. Not. Me.

I’ve been on an interesting journey recently.

Not to gaslight myself about the trauma.. but

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

Default or nature?

As easy as I breath air I am angry.

There is the big anger.

The anger that makes me want to lash out.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

I’m just low grade angry

It’s just there.

Like the blood in my veins. Or the air in lungs.

The anger is just there.

Always there. Around.

Sometimes it’s more noticable. Many times you’d never notice it but there is a knowing that it can’t not be there.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

Could we put a label on it?

There is something about the rise and fall.

The feeling good. Then shutting down.

It's less than before.

The difference between the two.

But it is still there.

And the shame about needing to be 'on the go' to be able to do things. To feel things. To be focused.

But I feel as thought I am steering down the barrel of a familiar situation.

Things put off until last minute.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

If it’s not the trauma what is it?

I hear their voices - you’re not as broken as you think you are Roselle.

Yet ironically this obsession with fixing myself, this focus on it, this being stuck, if it’s not the trauma that broke them then I am just wired wrong.

Read More
Blog Roselle O’Brien Blog Roselle O’Brien

All those promises

I promised myself a lot when I was a little girl.

I promised myself when I was trying to disappear down the crack of the bed in the wall. That one day I would be in a house full of laughter and joy.

I promised myself after each attempt on my life that it would be different one day, I would be happy and know how to laugh.

Read More
Diary Archive Roselle O’Brien Diary Archive Roselle O’Brien

I wonder how that started…

There once was this little girl who use to write letters to her dad. Letters of love but also trying to express how much he hurt her.  This little girl that tried to think of all the things he wanted and needed so she could do them in advance. She tried to think of the right things to like. The right music to be be into. The right sport to play. The right view and opinions to have. This little girl who spent so much time trying to work out what he was thinking.

Read More
We both grew up in families where no one asked directly for what they wanted or needed. We learned to use manipulation and indirectness to get others to give us what we wanted.
— How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle & Victim Consciousness