This is not me.

My new mantra.

This. Is. Not. Me.

I’ve been on an interesting journey recently.

Not to gaslight myself about the trauma.

But as we’ve delved into what’s happening in my body. The hormones that are out of whack.

The knowing that I had this from the age of 12, 13, 14.

Sure we could analyse why that happened. Was it the stress at the time that put it all out of whack?

The stress in the family for the whole of my life?

Sure maybe that was the cause.

But this is why knowing the cause often isn’t the answer.

We can’t undo that cause. And there is only so much psychological healing that can (needs!) to be done about it.

If what happened then was that the train tracks were changed - then going back doesn’t matter - what matters now is how we fix the track we are on.

That requires looking forward.

Focus forward.

So my cortisol is high. My testosterone too.

Sure I don’t use my progesterone properly. In effect it’s poisoning me.

But what this leaves me like - the mental madness.

That is not me.

In those moments (okay let’s be honest, days, weeks, months).

That is not me.

I wonder who is me.

When I’ve spent more than half of my life ‘not being me’.

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

These are the train tracks I get to lay down.