Default or nature?

As easy as I breath air I am angry.

There is the big anger.

The anger that makes me want to lash out.

Scream, have a tantrum.

Then there is the tense, the freeze, the tightening of the chest.

Followed by the deluge of thoughts that tell me that’s why I’ll never be anything.

Why I will never be liked.

Why I will forever be stuck.

Never quite good enough.

Full of promise. Potential.

But always out of reach.

Why people will look at me with pity but ultimately keep going.

Because they will not be around someone with anger.

That’s my problem.

Mine alone.

.

Was little miss positive just to hide little miss angry?

Do I simply need to be ‘held’ in my anger to learn that it’s possible to be angry and still loved?

Has nuture become my default?

Part of me so badly wants to let it go. Leave it. Not be angry about all these things.

And part of me can’t and won’t let it go.