All those promises

I promised myself a lot when I was a little girl.

I promised myself when I was trying to disappear down the crack of the bed in the wall. That one day I would be in a house full of laughter and joy.

I promised myself after each attempt on my life that it would be different one day, I would be happy and know how to laugh.

That one day I wouldn’t live with this black cloud and this heaviness,

There wouldn’t be this weight on my shoulders and tight ropes around my heart that kept me distanced from everyone that I loved and everything that I wanted to do.

I promised myself at 18, heading off to university, that it was going be different. I was going get a chance to craft my own life, the one I really wanted.

I promised myself lying on the lawn, alone, scared. Not sure if I would make it to 16 that if I did make it to 16 I would be out the first day I could. I have my own place.

I promised myself at 24 that the long hours and running from it all were just for now. I just needed to be financially secure.

I never promised the little girl what she really needed. Believing she could never have it.

Love.

I never promised her I would love her.