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Anger, Shame & Hope
A mish-mash of what goes on inside my #busybrain. Welcome to a space I’ve created to befriend my anger and shame. All in the hope of living a life of joy and pleasure.
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All those promises
I promised myself a lot when I was a little girl.
I promised myself when I was trying to disappear down the crack of the bed in the wall. That one day I would be in a house full of laughter and joy.
I promised myself after each attempt on my life that it would be different one day, I would be happy and know how to laugh.
I wonder how that started…
There once was this little girl who use to write letters to her dad. Letters of love but also trying to express how much he hurt her. This little girl that tried to think of all the things he wanted and needed so she could do them in advance. She tried to think of the right things to like. The right music to be be into. The right sport to play. The right view and opinions to have. This little girl who spent so much time trying to work out what he was thinking.
Two for one.
It’s like a test.
When they don’t get it right. She has the right to be angry. The right to feel let down. Justifiably upset that the world is a shitty place. Indignant at how shitty others are as humans.
It proves her right.
But I’m also not exactly sure what it’s right about.
“We both grew up in families where no one asked directly for what they wanted or needed. We learned to use manipulation and indirectness to get others to give us what we wanted.”