Two for one.

Two for one. And not in the good way.

It’s often the case for me that I get two seemingly different issues come up at once.

This evening it has been a rapid fire back and forth between my trip to Auckland next week and what I’m doing career/workwise.

I was having the conversations in my head to be able to have them in for real next week with friends I am going to see. It was a conversation around how I do not have the capacity right now. Things just feel hard - with respect to that type of thing to do. [It’s been a real nuance for me to learn to be able to say THAT is hard for me right now but that doesn’t mean all things are hard for me at the moment.]. We’ve not seen each other for over a year and I find reunions hard. They are excited to see me. And I am excited to see them. But reunions are hard for me.

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It’s fascinating where these blogs so sometimes. Most often I don’t know what I’m going to say I just know there is something that has come up and I’m working off that. Other times, I think I know what I am going to talk about. But then like today what comes out surprises me. I thought this first part was about how I had been reflecting that what was coming up for me what that this trip required me to address my needs. There was no thought of reunions. Then that all came out.

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Reunions are hard for me because I have this sense of: how do I be? Should I be excited? Should I be distant? Can I connect? I don’t want to connect. I need to feel out what is happening, what’s the mood.

Me now having this realisation that one of the key things for me in my romantic relationships is re-connection. I NEED to be acknowledged and attended to when there is a coming back. Even if briefly and then space to re-group before really coming back together.

I also see an interesting connection to how when I am in bigger social situations I DON’T connect up front. I will always do the settling in before I go and connect. Or avoid it completely and just gently merge into the space.

Isn’t life an interesting journey?

Ok so there is that.

But what had first come up for me was actually how going up to Auckland triggers my little vulnerable inner Me who needs others to meet her needs. She is in a paralysis state. A state where she is frozen. She watches the world outside of her body. She is not aware of her needs. She expects, desires, dreams, yearns for others to figure out her needs and then just meet them. They have to be proactive. They have to know. They have to figure it out.

It’s like a test.

When they don’t get it right. She has the right to be angry. The right to feel let down. Justifiably upset that the world is a shitty place. Indignant at how shitty others are as humans.

It proves her right.

But I’m also not exactly sure what it’s right about.

**Sometimes I write as a part, other times I write from a manager part who is keeping a lid on things, often I write from Self**

So while all that is going on, from a conversation I had it triggered my insecurity about who I am and what I am doing for work / career.

What even is my career?

What is my focus?

What am I known for?

What I do I want to be doing? Actually fuck the first 3 that last one is really what the issue is.

I feel like I’m at a decision point. Pick something.

And while I know that things can change over time. What I pick right now could indeed change again in 10 years. And honestly likely will.

The difference is that for a change I would like to be purposeful. I’ve picked for the last 15 years based on “just pick something you can change later”. Which has landed me some cool adventures. I’ve learnt lots.

But it’s not actually about what I could do later. It is actually about what I want to do now.

I carry a lot of Shame around this. I was meant to be better than them. My parents that is. I was meant to be married (in a healthy relationship). I was meant to own a house by now. I was meant to be making my mark.

I’ve spent 15 years running. Running away from trying to not be them. And while I am not them. I am, ironically, them. What I was trying to avoid has become what I have.

Many people talk about radical transformative moments. Moments they just knew and then things were never going to be like that again.

Also big transformations. I was obsessed with weight loss and makeover transformations growing up. I would take all the weekly magazines Nana had and go read them behind the couch. Obsessed. I couldn’t get enough.

I was desperate for change. I was desperate for it to be different.

I’ve been chasing my radical transformation moment for years. When I have one that feels kinda like it I feel like I am winning at life. I’m doing life right.

But none of my transformations are dramatic.

I move inch by inch. Moment by moment. Decision by decision. Like a spiral - covering the same ground many times.

I guess even if you have the radical transformational moment and know what needs to be different you still have to face each moment one at a time. You have to show up and apply that radical transformational in each situation. You have to make the different decision. Take a different approach. Do something differently. Time and time again.

Maybe, ironically this is my moment?

Maybe it’s not filled with the intensity and pain and resolve I thought it might be?