Rules. Rules have long been my thing.

But recently things are coming untangled.

I feel freer. Not sure how it necessarily makes a difference in my life. Like how do I DO differently.

But maybe the more I talk about it the sooner I will work it out.

So it started, 3 years ago.

How do I really accept this part? Really let this part know they are welcome without then living this really disruptive experience. It’s HARD to be that frustrated all the time. To be that activated.

But I do not want to live in shame and shut this part down.

I don’t have the answer but I don’t like the current answers on offer.

There once was this little girl who use to write letters to her dad. Letters of love but also trying to express how much he hurt her.  This little girl that tried to think of all the things he wanted and needed so she could do them in advance. She tried to think of the right things to like. The right music to be be into. The right sport to play. The right view and opinions to have. This little girl who spent so much time trying to work out what he was thinking.

I've carried so much shame for all the things I don't finish in my life.

I’ve finished so many things because I was so ashamed of not finishing them.

I’ve judged others for not finishing things.

Placing myself on a high horse. Up high. Safely away from from those not good enough to finish things.

But you know what?

Now I get this was training. Training means we usually need to break down and over exaggerate aspects before we can get to nuance.

BUT if we are working with the wrong building blocks then we aren’t going to get the house we want.

Interesting I just had the urge to stop writing and put on lipstick and take selfies.

A part distracting me?

This part?

Ah I’ve lost connection.

That’s ok. That’s a lot. That’s more than I’ve had before.

There will be more.

It’s like a test.

When they don’t get it right. She has the right to be angry. The right to feel let down. Justifiably upset that the world is a shitty place. Indignant at how shitty others are as humans.

It proves her right.

But I’m also not exactly sure what it’s right about.

She’s not ready; she not convinced. I tell her I will wait for her, ready to keep reassuring her I’m ok. However long it takes. My love for her is strong.

The voices in my head are busy today, they are saying “you really think people will want to read about the same topics over and over and over? Because you know you’re going to be back to this same issue many times right?” and “you’re not writing well today.

The thing about this time of year is that it brings up something worse than memories. It brings up,

desires,

wants,

dreams.