Rejection Hits Me Hard
Rejection hits me hard.
Harder than it should.
But I do know that is Shame talking.
I know her intentions are good. She wants me to keep going. To not let the reality of life that is nothing to do with who I am get in the way. She wants me to pick myself up and go again.
I often sit, watching her from afar, confused at how she came up with the idea of telling me I wasn’t good enough. That I shouldn’t be like that. That I needed to be different.
Well no, I can understand how she came up with the idea. It’s pretty logical actually.
Logic is much like maths. There are many ways to get to 9.
What confuses me, when I watch her, like a mother lovingly watches their child exploring the world in their backyard, is that she can’t see how it’s not working.
Well no, I can see how it worked for her sometimes. Many times in fact.
Behavioural science explains it. Or rather has detailed the phenomena.
But then I ponder, confused, how come she isn’t learning a new strategy, one that is more foolproof.
Well no, I know how hard it is to let go. To even be willing to try a different way when you’ve only known one way.
And so it turns out, when the part of me that is trying to make sense of it all steps aside, I can, in fact have a lot of love and compassion towards Shame.
Intellectually, I know why she does what she does. I know why she doesn’t change what she’s doing.
But now, I, capital I, know why she won’t change. Not yet. But I, capital I, know that with time, she will trust me. She will begin to speak to me. She will tell me her truths. She will tell me why she’s so devoted to me.
One day.
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The voices in my head are busy today, they are saying “you really think people will want to read about the same topics over and over and over? Because you know you’re going to be back to this same issue many times right?” and “you’re not writing well today. It’s forced. You’re trying too hard” and “let’s see how long this lasts, you give up on this stuff so easily” and “shouldn’t you be doing something else"?”
They’re all welcome.
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