They all came to the party.

Except these are the parties I don’t want to be having.

They show up unannounced. They show up with force. They take over.

They leave a mess.

Just like you see in the movies.

Without the happy ending.

Let me paint the scene for you: It’s a busy day in town, there are people everywhere. It’s that time between Christmas and New Years, where while not only time seems to disappear but also the rules. I was driving. I’m trying to leave the car park. Two women approached the pedestrian crossing on my left, I stopped. They then turned left and started walking along the end of the cars.

I started to move forward slowly realising they weren’t going to be crossing but cautious they were still going to be close to my car.

HIT THE BREAKS.

Two more women were walking up from the right. I wasn’t close to them, but I needed to stop.

I got a small fright.

I was in the wrong. I put my hand up as an acknowledgement of being in the wrong and said sorry out loud. It’s likely that even with my windows down they wouldn’t hear me. That’s not the point. I acknowledged my wrong doing. No one was hurt. Reminder to self to always double check.

The women say some rude things out loud about me.

Cue what should be a simple moving on with life. It was what it was and moving on.

But NO, they all decided to have a party.

I give the women the what the fuck look - no need to be so rude - I acknowledged I was in the wrong and no one one was hurt.

They walk off.

I give them the fingers.

Cue what still at this point could have been a simple moving on with life. It was what it was.

But NO, the party ramps up. That’s an understatement, it goes from casual drinks to the Hangover faster than I’ve got time to even take half a breath.

I’m about to cry. Burst with tears. I feel the pressure building up; I’ve not gone more than 20 meters. The tears are a gift from You’re-Broken-and-Will-Never-Make-It. She’s reminding me that I can’t make it out in the world. That the only place for me is at home. Away from people. She’s sharp and rude. She is relentless.

She’s also hard to hear over the sound of the Smart one, who is standing on the table trying to tell everyone what happened, why it happened and what it means. She’s the commentator of the party. Keeping tabs on everyone and narrating their every move. She thinks it all makes sense. There is a reason. There is always a reason. Knowing the reason should be enough.

The Smart one does not like Anger. She’s barged on in today - she been taking a few days over the break so she’s back and rested. Ready for a fight. Energy level 100. Her rant is loud and forceful. And always value based. It’s a large reason why her and the Smart one don’t get on well. Values and reason don’t always align. When they do - it’s magic. When they don’t - it’s the battle of all battles.

This party is out of control.

But things are different now. I see them, I say hi to them. I tell them I see what they are saying. I understand what they are saying.

They begin to settle.

Then I let my Focus part take over. The one that gets things done. I say the party isn’t over but right now we need to leave the car park.

I tell them I will come back to the party. We will talk. I want to know their stories.

For the rest of the afternoon they pop up, not happy that I’ve left the room. But I reassure them I’m coming back. But for me to be able to party with them I need to be my best Self. {Which today means a nap and food first}.

The party is still going when I return. They aren’t happy to see me. The party isn’t the same when the music is changed.

I ask them to forgive me for needing to Focus first but in doing so I can now fully be at this party with them. All in.

We begin to dance, I wonder, what were they afraid would happen if they didn’t come to the party?

What part of me are they trying to protect? Or is it habit and they know no different?

We continue to dance.

They don’t trust me yet.

I must dance with them some more.

One day they will tell me why they came to the party.