We Wish You A …Angry Day
This time of year always gets me going. Angry that is.
There is what I want.
And what I say I want.
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I can hear the voices in my head, telling me this is shit. To give up already. That I’m just like my father and will never finish anything.
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See the thing about this time of year is that it not only brings up memories. Memories, most of the time are much of a muchness. You can rationalise them. Stuff them in a box. Get busy and ignore them. Be helpful to others so I don’t have to deal with my own stuff.
The thing about this time of year is that it brings up something worse than memories. It brings up,
desires,
wants,
dreams.
Much like stuffing the memories in a box. I can do the same with my desires, wants, dreams. But these, these, have a sneaky way of coming out, like a gas, that seeps out through the cracks.
They get you in the moment of stillness.
They get you in the moments of joy and bliss when absorbed in a movie or song.
They get you when you see the pure joy on the faces of kids (and friends who are big kids).
See the thing about desires, wants, dreams is that unlike memories they are ongoing. Memories are fixed. They sit there, back in time. Sometimes replaying a like those annoying ads on YouTube, or that pop up when you just want to get to the recipe.
But desires, wants, dreams remind you they are unfulfilled. That they are still there. Waiting. Like the pile of laundry or dishes. No matter how much you walk past them at some point you are going to need to do something about it.
Some ways to solve that problem are better than others.
So what’s all this got to do with anger?
These desires, wants, dreams don’t come alone. In not being fulfilled, they’ve had to make some friends along the years. Anger is the first friend they make. And she’s super protective of them. She’s taken it on as her sole life duty to protect them.
I’m now beginning to see this. How my anger has been a loyal protector of my desires, wants and dreams. She comes out when they haven’t been fulfilled and it was expected (implicitly or explicitly) that they would be. Sometimes she comes out in advance, preempting to make sure things will get done.
Sometimes, she shows up assertively, and is effective. She is calm, clear, concise, compassionate and courageous.
But most often, because, she herself, was not allowed in my house growing up, she’s had to learn other ways to get the job done.
She’s a shapeshifter and has learnt some sneaky techniques to get her job done. Other times, she, along with desires, wants and dreams, has been squished up in a box but her energy has been growing, and at that point she bursts out of the box. All guns blazing.
When she’s been a shapeshifter or burst out of the box, her cousin shame shows up.
This time of year always gets me going. Angry that is.
There is what I want.
And what I say I want.