The pause. The hover.

I found myself hovering, pausing, bracing this morning.

Not the pausing and bracing from a place of desperate fear. Or shut down. Or overwhelm.

But from a sense of unknowing. Unfamiliarity.

I was expecting push back. I was expecting noise. A party.

I had such a wonderful night. Backed off a few days of, while not necessarily being that flowing feeling like I am moving in the right direction. That things are as they are meant to be. Not always easy - but right for me.

I expect a downfall. I expect intensity. I expect to be overtaken.

Is this healing? Is this my system now having faith that things are ok? Is this my system trusting me?

I am curious.

I am also fearful of acknowledging it in that it may bring it forward.

To have deep trust while simultaneously also being cautious is, well I want to say indescribable but that seems like a cop out. It just is. It’s life and actually so much more ok than the many times I have falsely driven myself to certainty.

If this is change - I want this. More of this.