No wonder I’m tired.

Realising how much of my time and effort goes into trying to come off a certain way.

Sounds tiring right?

Yeah it is.

But mainly it hurts. It hurts to not be me.

Now I’m not saying that there aren’t times and places to restrain myself.

But I am aware of how much I put effort into being a certain way because I think that has meaning.

Not meaning that I want others to see me that way.

Meaning for what it tells me about myself.

If I’m doing X, Y, Z then it means that I’ve dealt with my demons, that I’m happy, that I’ve made it. That I’ve achieved the goals I want to achieve.

In fact I’d say I spend very little of….

Ok so I was just thinking that I spend very little time fixing my own self to be accommodating to others. But then something caught me to say - that’s not true. There are so many times when I don’t say or react a spontaneously because I am trying to manage how I come across.

I think less is it about trying to please someone - and more about the times when I want to be so open and there for a person. When I want them to feel seen and heard. To have someone put all of their own stuff aside and really be there.

This makes it hard to be in relationships a lot of the time.

Because relationships are actually about how two bubbles come together and have contact and influence/impact on one another.

This has been missing from a lot of my relationships.

Relationships are about how you relate.

I don’t relate. Not in that intimate way. Not in that sense of bringing my whole self.