I can be fun

Fuck I can be fun.

And funny.

When I let go of the rules I can be so fun. I can do the dance of life. I can be with people.

And while I have so much compassion for the path I have walked - both the life experience side of it. The biology side of it. All the things that stopped me really being present. Really being there.

I’m done. I’m over it.

It’s time for something new.

I’m ready to be me. To be free.

I’ve had this idea in my head for such a long time that I am not fun. Not cool. Not able to relax.

I look back and see all of the times I was ‘stuck’ where my inner world did not match my outer expression.

Where I felt like the world was happening 2 inches away from body. When there should be nothing between me and the world, yet it was like I wasn’t really on the same dimension.

Me on the playground. I see other children, but they don’t see me.

Me in the mini bus away playing netball. Laughter all around. Me alone in my own world.

All of the study - my body and brain got the degrees not me.

Relationships lived by my literal body double.

Me living trapped inside the upside down glass.

Sometimes tapping on the edge. Other times pretending the glass doesn’t exist.

But at all times, not really there.

Life. Not lived.

But this isn’t like a switch. I don’t just turn it on or off.

It doesn’t just end now. Despite the part that really wants that to be the case.

It’s already started changing. I live more now than I ever have before.

Which means I notice when it happens so much more now too.

I’m doing the things that make a difference. Change is happening. The rate of change is speeding up.

I still grieve for the life that will be lost while I go through this process.