But I’m playing by the rules.

I’m the irritated where nothing is right.

When it seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong.

Why do my earbuds keep disconnecting? Do they always do this and I just don’t notice it as much when I’m in a good mood?

I want to run in to a field and scream. Run around all manic and crazy. Wild. Weird. Make unintelligible noises. Wave my hands about.

I’ve been angry the last few days.

It started with a call.

It set off a recent pondering. Hit a nerve.

This person, who on paper is senior and in an important role - didn’t even make sense when talking. Hasn’t been to meetings so had no idea what was going on. As they say ‘couldn’t have organised a piss up in a brewery’.

Fuck, how the fuck do these people get here?

Why am I not there?

I wanted to quit.

I didn’t.

And then like that it seemed like there was a stream of people who I looked at and thought “wtf, how do you get to have that?”

Irritated. Stewing.

Then someone asked me what was up. Fuck. Apparently I wasn’t hiding it that well.

Time to be honest about what was going on.

With myself at least. Then when I figure that out maybe I can be honest with others.

I caught a thought: “but I’m playing by the rules”.

Said in that moaning, petulant child tone.

Oh. That stopped me in my tracks.

I then had this big lovely moment of realisation and understanding but didn’t in any way to note it down. And now it feels lost. Like I can’t get back to what it was that made sense. The things that went click.

I so desperately want it back. It feels pivotal. Then again, I am well aware of the part of me that thinks that there is some magic bullet. One understanding to fix it all. One epiphany to solve all my issues and never have another issue again.

But when I accept that part wants that, I know that this sense of following the rules will likely be with me for a long time - I just want it to be a little less dominant. I am not seeking healing. I am not seeking never having to feel this again. I am not seeking to never have a sense of needing to follow the rules or be perfect or do it right.

But I am seeking freedom from this level of control, because it’s stopping me from being where I want to be.

Because I am still still so fucking angry.

And it’s getting in the way of getting where I want to.

And while I am angry and having a tantrum I am seeing them fade off into the distance because they are still getting on and doing it.

Not that I want to shame my anger. It’s all allowed here. And there is a balance to be found.

I still need to name that I really am so damn angry.

It’s like I am going around in circles. Still not getting to the point.

I am angry because I follow the rules. Because I work to be so damn perfect. Get it right. Do it right.

And still it’s not enough.

I know the story. I see the pattern. Thanks, Dad. Not.

But knowing this is not enough. Knowing that I am living out this pattern from my childhood is not enough to change it.

ACT would say get distance from it in some way and then take valued action.

IFS would say heal the burden.

I think it’s a bit of both. I can heal the burden through getting some distance and taking valued action.