BUT this connection to CONTROL

Noticing the thoughts that say "he's back in touch with you because your energy has shifted, it's to do with you".

Ooh the depth of this narrative.

This interconnection that tells me how deeply engrained this idea is that who and how I am can control the world.

Like this is different even from 'manifesting'.

There is this deep seeded sense in my system that what happens in my life comes down to my internal experience.

Oh fuck that feels heavy. No wonder shit feels heavy for me some days.

What a fucking mind game.

The narrative that is missing the nuance that how I show up absolutely has an influence how others show up, what I pay attention to, what I notice, and how the world flows.

BUT this connection to CONTROL.

This is that god-like sense I sometimes feel - one that scares me becuase I have parts that know it's so not true. But they haven't been able to disconnect from it.

They are not able to shut it down and away.

The result is the tail chasing, the seeking, the needing to 'figure it all out', to 'get it perfectly right', and the self-blame when it goes wrong.

The need to seeks so deeply within myself as to why I am not the way I need to be in order to then make the external world be how I want and need it to be.

Mate, this is heavy.

I feel the weight of living this way. The sadness. The grief of everything I have missed out on because I have been so deeply inward focused.

Searching for what is wrong with me. Seeking to find the broken bits and put it back together again.

What can I do with this understanding?

Set this part of me free. Release it from this idea that it has this control.

It does not.

I get that it wanted or desire that.

I get that as a baby we do have this innate idea that what we do controls the world around us - because we cry or make a noise or something happens and then things it the outside world happen.

I guess at some point we then usually learn that isn't the case.

We almost undo that.

Maybe us humans have such an obsession with efficiency because it seems our biological path doesn't seem very efficient!