The anger is coursing today

The anger is coursing today.

Surging. Like waves, with no notice.

I notice I am holding my breath.

I can’t experience pleasure when my stomach is sore. Bloated, hurting.

Everything annoys me, it’s too loud, too quite, the notifications are annoying. I’m too hot. Too cold.

My head itches.

The biggest thing is that my throat is sore. My head has a dull ache. I feel tired. I feel not here.

I’ve been numb. I notice I can’t experience joy, pleasure - it’s like my body is there but someone cut off the nerves just before the brain.

Or stripped them of the messages for joy.

I mean they stripped them so that I don’t feel the pain but there isn’t a difference between pain and joy. So when you stop the pain, you stop the joy.

What’s activated my system today?

Hormones, fear of making this business stuff work (but it’s much more than business stuff, in fact it’s not about the business at all. It’s about making this way of living work - I will come back to this). And my romantic life.

Oh and being home.

But WHO is triggered by all this? And WHAT about is are they afraid of?

I often don’t get answers like this. I can’t force them.

I was writing in my diary before - admitting that I do want them gone. I can’t deny that I want them gone.

Well to be fair they can stay in existence but they can’t be doing this.

They are so out of date.

This is where I start to hate the idea of Self - that if I can just get to Self then this can all be resolved. Something about that bugs me.

But I don’t want to live like this. I’m over it. I’m over things being so hard. I’m over all this shit from my past living here like it is the present. How fucking annoying. There is something so special about being present - connecting to the present moment. But these parts don’t let me do that. They pull me out. Take me away. Disconnect me.

I have a new sense of appreciation for this part that has been fighting for them to fuck off. To bring me back to the present.

I mean it’s not wrong! They aren’t here in the right time and place. This isn’t for them. This isn’t their time.

I can see why drugs are so appealing. An instant way to come to the present. To just be. To not be pulled out and away by these other parts.

It’s kinda annoying being human. Like there is no escape from this. This is how we are.

I notice the part that is over all this and just wants to work.

But I want this sorted for good. < A part? Ugg, see you can just go around in circles with parts like this.