Fuck, it’s back.

It was a nice 12 hours while I wasn’t feeling it.

But it’s back.

Seemingly triggered by a small moment in a meeting. They were trying to be helpful.

My system, not even me, took it as an assault. That I was doing wrong.

I was not validated.

Oh I hear everyone saying we are becoming too precious. Needing to be wrapped up on cotton.

No, I’m not saying this person needs to change. I am saying that it had an impact on me. That there is a way that my system still reacts.

And rather than that Part just feeling it’s feelings, ALL the rest need to come in and help.

But they don’t help Me.

They help me not have that feeling. But they do not help Me do life.

And getting unstuck can be so freaking hard.

Within a few moments I’ve been thrust into a spiral of being a failure, thinking about how I will have to give up my business, go back to a 9-5 job, leave Queenstown, but also how I won’t even be able to get a job because I’m not actually good at anything.

The voice, how by the way I have named Fredrick, which also reminds me that I am repeating patterns and this means I am broken. That I am doomed. That I will never fix it. This is my destiny. I will forever be a failure.

All from one moment when my system felt affronted.

The result? I then was so disconnected, I didn’t really hear what was in the meeting.

After it I shut down. Scrolling.

Anger and hate coursing through my mind.

A tightness in my chest.

Also disconnected. I wasn’t able to hear my grandfather talk. I was elsewhere. But even more, while listening to him I was feeling annoyed and angry at him. I didn’t want to hear this story.

And so, I end further and further away.

More and more disconnected.

Fredrick isn’t going away.

Somehow, we’re going to have to figure out how to work together.