You come off as arrogant.

Arrogant doesn’t always mean bragging - it can also mean aloof.

People may think of you as arrogant b when you’re too self-indulged.

…….

By that definition I was arrogant.

I was trying so damn hard to matter. So damn hard to be in a space.

Be in that space because I knew I deserved it.

I was smart enough.

But I doubted myself so much.

I wasn’t really trying to prove it to them

I was trying to prove it to myself.

I still am really.

I wish I realised earlier it’s not about being smart.

Or even about relationships.

Not in the way I understand holding space for people.

That I do well very. Very well.

In very specific contexts.

I now know I can do it in other ways.

But I wanted, needed, something, to be this way.

Work relationships are different.

There are social rules.

There is context.

The system cannot be understood without considering its context.

I was forgetting how to dance with the context.

——

I was judging them.

Judging them for being complicit with the system.

Judging them for not caring enough.

Judging them for having other priorities.

Of course I was seen as arrogant.

They angered me on the daily.

That would have seeped out.

In fact, towards the end it didn’t seep put it came out in explosions.

And tears.

They were right.

And they were wrong.