I mean I feel better. I’ve been able to get things done and move through the day so much better.

But

I know that things haven’t been addressed. So they will come back again.

Relationships are about how you relate.

I don’t relate. Not in that intimate way. Not in that sense of bringing my whole self.

It’s like a test.

When they don’t get it right. She has the right to be angry. The right to feel let down. Justifiably upset that the world is a shitty place. Indignant at how shitty others are as humans.

It proves her right.

But I’m also not exactly sure what it’s right about.

I found myself hovering, pausing, bracing this morning.

Not the pausing and bracing from a place of desperate fear. Or shut down. Or overwhelm.

But from a sense of unknowing. Unfamiliarity.

When I am connected I am much happier. Much more productive. Much kinder to myself.

I have the need to be connected.

It’s like sticky glue. Or that feeling of heavy sunscreen on your skin.

Or gum on the bottom of your shoe.

I was feeling so possible last night.

Sometimes you know something.

You’ve made sense of it.

But then, something happens and you realise you now KNOW it.

And if you’re me. This cycle is often on repeat and you get to KNOW things over and over again 😂

My body talks to me.

Some times I listen.

But mostly I don’t.

Ah, my brain sometimes.

A freudian ramble.

Enter with caution.

I thought, or there was a voice, that told me I would have given up by now.

And it kinda seemed that way for the last week.

Still got my training wheels on.

Ah the voices in my head.

Although I am making the rules it feels like I am failing.

It’s been less conscious. I’ve noticed me asking with more ease. Having less moments between thinking to ask and then asking.

Everything is itchy, sticky, annoying.

My head hurts. My shoulders hurt. I wonder if I’m sitting wrong and that is what is causing it.

It feels like I’ve got mosquitos landing on me. I don’t.

I need to blow my nose.

My arm is itchy.

Riddle me this - how can I feel rejected about something I didn’t even want.

Picture this: I was working in a cafe casually over the summer. Three days that’s all. It meet a need of mine from when my burnout-breakdown started. After the first agreed three days I left being happy that I had personally achieved what I needed to achieve.

I’ve mentally moved on.

Then today: I get a text. It says, to the effect - “we don’t need you any more”

Well what a party we had after that.

How very kind of them?!

They do teach us how important team work is.

I’m not going to go out of my way to get her in faster. But I will sit here patiently. I will watch as she approaches.

And when she is close enough to hear me I will invite her to sit.

She is welcome.

Although I do much prefer when she comes through the front door - I can see that coming. She scares the bejesus out of me when she comes in the back door.

But she is welcome.

We can sit for a while.

You don’t want to talk - and I respect that. I just want to say I can see you. I see you trying. I know you’re looking out for me. Come sit beside me and keep watch.

Do we just keep doing this on repeat?

Is that how this works?

Is life one big cycle or repetition?

Can you imagine how much more I could have got done in life if I had freed up all that mental space?

OR

Can you imagine how much more space there would have been in my life for joy? fun? pleasure?

Scrolling.

One hour gone.

A hit of tiredness. A sense of overwhelm. A sense of tears. A busy brain. I want to explode. Have a tantrum almost.

Bed - no other option. Just go to bed. Turn off the alarm.