I am the only person that can do this. This change rests with me.

It’s been a pretty good few days.

Which is somewhat unexpected. It’s day 14 today.

Day 14 of what?

Sometimes I have these realisations that once I’ve had - seem so ‘duh’ that makes so much sense and seem to obvious. I always think: everyone else must know this - why didn’t they tell me?

What did I need today that would involve someone else?

She’s not ready; she not convinced. I tell her I will wait for her, ready to keep reassuring her I’m ok. However long it takes. My love for her is strong.

She’s quite nice really - she’s always bringing something. She never comes empty handed.

But today she didn’t come in until this evening. It caught me off guard a little bit.

And what did she bring?

A conversation to replay. A 7 word conversation. Can you believe how many times you can replay a 7 word conversation?

Now, the asking itself wasn’t that new - I have done that before. But more often than not it’s something that I don’t ask for. Or do find a sly way of asking about.

What was new was the flow between the thought of wanting to know what I should be targeting, and from this place, which I am not sure how to explain or describe simply actioned a request to meet this need.

I was reflecting that I’m really good at relationships where there is nothing at stake - it’s what makes me good at customer service. Because for me there is nothing at stake. I can see you as a human and offer you deep caring and acknowledgment. And I will never ask anything of you.

But it doesn’t make for times when a deep relationship is called for.

Where there is real ongoing interaction - a dynamic.

Scared. So scared.

Like a deep visceral fear.

Of being healed.

So much of my identity is around being hurt, harmed, broken.

Four days ago I got this idea to put myself out there for 90 days. Put myself in the position to be rejected.

I hadn’t really figured it out. I didn’t really know what I was doing but I wanted to do 90 days of rejection.

I didn’t want or think I’d be rejected for 90 days. But I wanted to be in the position where it could happen.

Time to strengthen the overcoming rejection muscle.

Was it the lack of sleep?

Was it because I had a few drinks last night?

Was it because this was how they new how to wake me up so that I didn’t miss the sunrise this morning?

I laughed.

Out loud.

Then I felt sad. They didn’t come.

They’re always there to tell me that I’m broken. And this is why I’ll never be able to achieve my dreams. My goals.

And she can tell. She sees right through it.

The voices in my head are busy today, they are saying “you really think people will want to read about the same topics over and over and over? Because you know you’re going to be back to this same issue many times right?” and “you’re not writing well today.

Cue what should be a simple moving on with life. It was what it was and moving on.

But NO, they all decided to have a party.

I give the women the what the fuck look - no need to be so rude - I acknowledged I was in the wrong and no one one was hurt.

They walk off.

I give them the fingers.

Cue what still at this point could have been a simple moving on with life. It was what it was.

In this moment I choose to see that she just wants what’s best for me. She wants it to work out. She wants me to be joyful, full of pleasure, laughing. She wants me to be free of the pain. Free of the sense of aloneness.

Is this healing? Is this just a part of me that is in denial? A part that is faking it? Pretending to be.

In some ways it is like what they say healing is.

I guess the only way to know is to pressure test it: have something happen and see how I react. In that I should have an appropriate reaction.

Did you know there are people who, like, just live their live for them?

Like not in a selfish only about them way. But like, they are the centre of their world kinda way.

When they want something, they go get it. They go after it. They make it happen.

No, I’m not talking about the things that are the same as confidence. Many of the people I see who are living life for them say they don’t have the confidence to do things.

You did not betray me. You did what you were designed to do.

It’s their disconnection with themselves that they are displacing on to you.

Your job is to feel. And feel you did.

You responded.

You enjoyed.

You felt the pleasure.