Who am I if I’m healed?

Scared. So scared.

Like a deep visceral fear.

Of being healed.

So much of my identity is around being hurt, harmed, broken.

Now many people remind me often that I’m not broken. And I believe this too. But some part of me doesn’t believe this. And that part is loud and for the most part is in the drivers seat.

I’ve received so much awe, connection, value, worth from being through what I’ve been through.

Will people still want to be connected to me if I’m not coming from a place of being broken?

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Oh, turns out I have a positive voice - I’m not so familiar with this one - but she just said “maybe those people won’t want to be around you any more but that doesn’t mean nobody will - there are others who will be connected to”

Makes a nice change from the usual negative voices

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So much of the way in which I work is driven off the pain of my past. So much of how I show up in the world is driven from the harm. If I let the pain and harm go - how will I show up? I still value these ways of showing up - is it possible to show up these ways without the pain? Without the harm?

I use to look think of this way of understanding the mind and simply be annoyed or angered at it. I would want to get rid of it.

Or I would see the pattern but have no real way to change it but by brute force. Smash the pattern. Break the chain. Rid it into oblivion.

Now I can see it with more compassion. I see that it is trying to do something good for me. It is trying the best way it knows how.

I still wish for it to be different.

I can hold both. Both are valid.