I’ve got a different sense now how those words are likely another part. Not some telepathy with that part.

And when writing that out I head the voice.

Just take her out.

Just give her what she needs.

When I am connected I am much happier. Much more productive. Much kinder to myself.

I have the need to be connected.

Sometimes you know something.

You’ve made sense of it.

But then, something happens and you realise you now KNOW it.

And if you’re me. This cycle is often on repeat and you get to KNOW things over and over again 😂

Although I am making the rules it feels like I am failing.

It’s been less conscious. I’ve noticed me asking with more ease. Having less moments between thinking to ask and then asking.

Riddle me this - how can I feel rejected about something I didn’t even want.

Picture this: I was working in a cafe casually over the summer. Three days that’s all. It meet a need of mine from when my burnout-breakdown started. After the first agreed three days I left being happy that I had personally achieved what I needed to achieve.

I’ve mentally moved on.

Then today: I get a text. It says, to the effect - “we don’t need you any more”

Well what a party we had after that.

Do we just keep doing this on repeat?

Is that how this works?

Is life one big cycle or repetition?

Can you imagine how much more I could have got done in life if I had freed up all that mental space?

OR

Can you imagine how much more space there would have been in my life for joy? fun? pleasure?

I am the only person that can do this. This change rests with me.

Sometimes I have these realisations that once I’ve had - seem so ‘duh’ that makes so much sense and seem to obvious. I always think: everyone else must know this - why didn’t they tell me?

What did I need today that would involve someone else?

She’s quite nice really - she’s always bringing something. She never comes empty handed.

But today she didn’t come in until this evening. It caught me off guard a little bit.

And what did she bring?

A conversation to replay. A 7 word conversation. Can you believe how many times you can replay a 7 word conversation?

Now, the asking itself wasn’t that new - I have done that before. But more often than not it’s something that I don’t ask for. Or do find a sly way of asking about.

What was new was the flow between the thought of wanting to know what I should be targeting, and from this place, which I am not sure how to explain or describe simply actioned a request to meet this need.

I was reflecting that I’m really good at relationships where there is nothing at stake - it’s what makes me good at customer service. Because for me there is nothing at stake. I can see you as a human and offer you deep caring and acknowledgment. And I will never ask anything of you.

But it doesn’t make for times when a deep relationship is called for.

Where there is real ongoing interaction - a dynamic.

Four days ago I got this idea to put myself out there for 90 days. Put myself in the position to be rejected.

I hadn’t really figured it out. I didn’t really know what I was doing but I wanted to do 90 days of rejection.

I didn’t want or think I’d be rejected for 90 days. But I wanted to be in the position where it could happen.

Time to strengthen the overcoming rejection muscle.