It’s like a wall.

I say it’s like a wall. But then sometimes I say it’s like being in a body suit that has mittens and covers your face.

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Wow someone, or several ones do not want me to go there today. I sat at my computer to write and realised I had started two new training cources I had signed up to. I had gotten up twice to eat. Twice to pee. Then decided I needed a gin. - which is when I knew it was really going off track as I haven’t had a drink since Christmas day - and then decided I needed to clean my glasses.

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You don’t want to talk - and I respect that. I just want to say I can see you. I see you trying. I know you’re looking out for me. Come sit beside me and keep watch.

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It’s like I want to be happy. To be there, to be a part of what is going on. But there seems to be a gap. Some kind of distance between me and the world.

I’m not quite there in conversations. I don’t volunteer to say anything. I’m thinking about what to say - busy searching deep within to figure out what kind of response to give - am I laughing? am I offering compassion?

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I got up and poured the gin out. What a waste. But I felt the wave. It hit me hard and fast. That’s what it wanted. It wanted me to not be here. To be somewhere else. I was closing the gap. Making up the distance. I appreciate it trying. It’s so valid that when I have previously gone to these places that it can be a deep, dark place. A place of torture.

But things are different now - I offer it. Not perfect. But they are so different. For the better. It doesn’t have to trust me. But I ask it to give me a go at showing it how it’s different.

I think though that the gin has had enough of an impact. Too much to really come back to connect. It’s progress. Movement in the right direction.