“I can protect you from this”

I can see her coming.

She gets nervous when I have days (afternoons?) like today.

Things felt good. So damn good.

Things flowed.

I was chatty and social, funny, I laughed, I connected. I kicked arse at the gym. I made nourishing food choices. I worked on things that brought me joy. I connected with people on the internet - sharing ideas, opening listening to theirs. A friend messages to talk about the past. I showed up for the vulnerable moment. We connected. We healed.

I felt joy. Ease. I liked who I was. I danced in my living room/office. I smiled. I savoured the sunset and cloudy colours.

I’ve made choices so that I’ll be in bed at a time that I know is good for me.

And so I can see her coming.

She wants to protect me. She wants to get in first.

If she can bring me down. Back to stable. To neutral. To the middle. Not good, not bad.

She wants to stop the bad that happens. It’s not that she’s against the good. It’s just that somewhere, somehow she picked up the idea that when good things happen bad things follow. And the more happy and good they are the worse the bad is. It’s always about balance. So when I feel this good. She knows the really bad things are coming. She just wants to help.

I can see that she doesn’t see the whole picture.

I can’t force her to change.

I’m not going to go out of my way to get her in faster. But I will sit here patiently. I will watch as she approaches.

And when she is close enough to hear me I will invite her to sit.

She is welcome.

Although I do much prefer when she comes through the front door - I can see that coming. She scares the bejesus out of me when she comes in the back door.

But she is welcome.

We can sit for a while.

Then she can follow me around - see where I go.

She can be ready to dive in. But I will ask her to ask me first.

I don’t think she trusts enough yet not to do that.

I think she will be ok with following me around - right on my right side.

But I don’t think she trusts me yet to first ask to intervene.

I respect that.

It will be messy.

But I know we’ll get through it.

Because I also know this time I will respond differently after she intervenes.