Everyone else

Everyone else can make it because they have someone. Or they have sold their soul.

They compromise. They give in.

I trigger everyone else’s insecurities. They all can only see through their myopic and narrow world views. Why can’t I be that? Why can’t I be more closed off to the human experience?

Why can’t I ignore it all.

Maybe I am just shit? Maybe it’s all a facade?

Maybe what I am is still not enough? It’s good and people like it - but it’s not enough.

It’s not what matters.

People like it. People appreciate it. But they don’t want it. They don’t need it.

I’m too expansive for their narrow, fearful, scared way of living. I risk pushing them off the tightrope they are walking.

I worry in moments like this if I will desend down into a deep depression. And then am reminded I can’t even do that. There is only me.

Yes I have people that love me. But love is not enough.

It’s been a luxurious 9 months of healing and calm. But that must come to an end. It’s been a false reality. It’s not real.

You can’t really be happy. You can’t really be fulfilled. Live this delicious life full of wonderful moments.

You’ve curated something fake.

But you rebel against the idea of having to have a reckoning. You’ve seen the depths. Why would you volunteer to go there again?

The routine and the structure has been nice. But it’s been a wall. It’s kept you from the outside. And yes you needed that. For sure, you needed this cacoon time.

It’s like you could spend the entirety of the rest of your life rolling around with the parts of yourself.

You can’t go back. There is something deep about not going back. Something deeper that being able to make it on your own on the outside. This is about really being able to make it for yourself.

It’s not a sense of failure. It’s about a sense of separation. An identity. Being my own self. It represents so much more than outward success. It’s about knowing I’m me. That I am not that. That I am not dependent on that. That I am unique. That I matter. That I get to be me.

It want to be interconnected. Not independent. Like a yo-yo. I can come and go. Connected but free.

Okay so maybe the yo-yo analogy doesn’t work the best.

I can’t reconcile the parts of me that are so different. The part of me that wants to study metrics. That is obsessed with systems. That sees interconnectedness is away so many cannot. And the part of me that knows I’m so damn good at coaching and counselling. How can I have them both? How can I do both? Be both?

Ah, my brain sometimes.