Before? After? Now?

Who was I before uni?

Isn’t it interesting that I want to get back to who I was at all these points in time?

This is such a common desire for me. I want to go back. To have traits of back then.

Which is interesting because if I am not wanting to go back to who I was then then I am wanting to become some idealised version of me in the future.

There is no sense of now.

My life often lacks a sense of now. What do I want now? What am I feeling now? Who am I now? What do I like now? What’s happening in my body now?

Ok but to roll with this - who was I before uni?

I believed in possiblity. I believed there was so much more that we couldn’t measure. I saw possiblity. I saw potential.

Ok let’s break this down. A part or parts of me saw that. Another part or parts saw pain. Saw that the world was a scary place. It saw that I needed answers. It wanted to understand why. What. How. And most importantly how to fix it.

It would be easy to put meaning on these. That to decide they are managers who are trying to keep me from the present moment.

But I’ve been doing that and that’s not working for me. So this is part of what I want to change.