Isn’t this all I’ve ever wanted?

I’ve been so attached to this idea of how I wanted to wake up.

I wanted to wake up with energy. With joy. With a desire to jump out of be with excitement.

I’ve been envisioning this for so long.

Well this morning I woke up with the energy. But not the joy. I did the things. Got things done. Went for the walk. But still I feel as though I have this constraint. This tightening around me. This things that stops me from fully being happy. That’s holding me back.

Only I have no idea what it is?

It’s days like this that the part of me that sees no end, sees no point can come out. I let her speak now for I know that when she speaks she doesn’t do harm. She just wants to voice her perspective.

But I don’t want to be like this. I’m 31. Staring down the barrel of 32. It was meant to be different by now. Life was meant to be different by now. I hear the echo of the ‘others had it worse and they’ve moved on, why can’t you?’.

Life was meant to be different than this. Hell at this point I’d even give up the idea that life was meant to be this idyllic Martha Stewart come American soccer life and be happy with the ‘ways of doing life’ that I’ve judged - that I told myself I couldn’t and shouldn’t be because it would mean I was a failure. Give up the ‘experience’, give up the qualifications, give up the virtue to be happy.

I’d give it all up to have joy flowing through my body. Joy is fluid. Not ridgid. You can’t be joyful and mechanical. I’d give it all up to be connected. To be part of community. I’d give up my values to be part of something. [Values or rules? I still think I get those very mixed up].

Either way I feel shackled. Like a prisoner that has chains on my legs, and arms and the two are linked. And there is a guard yelling at me telling me to be happy they didn’t kill me. To be grateful. I’m fed and warm. I should be so lucky. But not of that matters without freedom.

But this is everything I wanted.