All the thoughts. None of the sleep.

And now none of the words.

It was coming thick and fast - when I wanted to sleep. The brain was active. I also knew the second I got up to write it would go.

I felt like I was having epiphany after epiphany. Realisation after realisation. Either a part had something to say. Or a good idea to share.

And not in a bad way. The part that wanted to shame my parts was definitely there saying ‘now is not the time, she should be sleeping. She has to get better. She has to get up and hike tomorrow. This is bad. She isn’t going to feel good tomorrow’.

But in getting up, and unblending from that part I can see that, while slightly inconvenient - yes more sleep is better right now. Those parts just had things to say. And today I’ve not given them the space to talk. So naturally, when I lay my head down - they are going to have a go at having their say.

IT. MAKES. SENSE.

Oh doing this work makes me bold in my relationships. I take more action.

I take more conscious action.

Tonights messages from within include but are not limited to:

• That sense of people not turning towards you - ah that is a pattern with your mother. This explains A LOT of that frustration you had at work.

• That reason you can’t let that guy go - the one the sought you out then walked away with no explanation - yeah that’s your father. The part of you that thinks that if we can fix it here then we can have fixed the past experience.

• That sinus pain - yeah - it’s a sense of “slow down, this is all happening too fast” + “you’re not listening to me that I’m worried about the hike tomorrow. I’m worried how we’ll go. I’m worried that you’ll panic at the ridge. Enter flashbacks from panic attack trying to go up the mountain this winter.

• The part that keeps giving me ideas of things to do. Blogs to write. Ways to do my PhD. Course to run. Ways to position myself. Ways to get more IFS clients.

• The part that was annoyed because I wasn’t listening to my bodily need to pee because I didn’t want to disrupt someone else’s sleep.

• The part that is over thinking the work I’ve done on a contract - was it good enough? What could I have done differently? Do I want more of that work?

• The part that is working out a budget. A plan. Making sure what’s next works.

• The part that is replying the hurt from today. The frustration, the confusion.

  • The part in response to that part which is fierce, stubborn, aggressive and determined to do it my way and no other way. The rambling justification of why I am right. The unwillingness to back down.

And ya know what? That sinus pain has subsided.

Side note lesson - because there was also a part reflecting on how as a therapist I feel stuck at times in flowing between “the 6 F’s” and realising that by starting this and simply starting with “And now none of the words” and allowing a narrative recount of the situation that it then flowed into allowing those other parts to come back.

The lesson?

Sit with what is.

Sit with what is here and now. The part that is up. Be there. Really be there. Do the dance to the music that is not the next song. Or the song before. Dance with what you have.

I can sleep now.