I always had the answer.

Not because I was any smarter.

Rather I believed I was dumber.

And while I won’t look back on my teens, 20s or at this rate my 30s and remember how happy I was, how spontaneous I was or how much joy there was.

I don’t think that’s a life less lived.

I see nothing but pain. I see looking back and seeing how heavy it was. How hard it was. How unspectacular it was.

It is my burden. The cross I have to bear.

Maybe it just needs to be enough.

A voice pops in and says 'haha yeah until that other part of you comes up who not only has absolutely zero interest in this but despises this idea’.

BUT when it comes to live - we actually have to live.

And getting deeply sucked into this idea that this stuff needs space all the time is going against some facts of life.

And I still haven’t got to what even triggered all this.

Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe that’s not the point?

It’s kinda annoying being human. Like there is no escape from this. This is how we are.

I notice the part that is over all this and just wants to work.

But I want this sorted for good. < A part? Ugg, see you can just go around in circles with parts like this.

Noticing the thoughts that say "he's back in touch with you because your energy has shifted, it's to do with you".

Ooh the depth of this narrative.

This interconnection that tells me how deeply engrained this idea is that who and how I am can control the world.

Like this is different even from 'manifesting'.

I’m still so angry.

Maybe I will be angry for my entire life. Maybe that’s just me.

Maybe I did think that keeping a blog would transform my anger so I wouldn’t feel it. Maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself.

But I see so many others and am so angry.

They get to be so average.

It all got too much so I hid.

And I needed this time to hide out.

To rest, recover and start to unpack a few things at time.

In my own pace.

I was able to uncover a lot. Make sense of a lot.

But those layers are done for now.

The next layers require me to go out there.

It’s a subtle voice.

Easy to miss.

Short sentences smooshed between a lot of other thinking. Often thinking that is loaded with a lot more emotion. Especially when compared to some of the events of this week.

But it was there.

I had noted it.

But I didn’t want to be honest that I had noted it.

A sense of being despondent. Sad. Heavy. Excluded. Alone.

Broken.

Feeling sad.

A sense that this is what my life will be like forever. That there is this default wiring that cannot be undone.

What happens if I just start writing.

No main trailhead. I just start. And see what comes.

Maybe nothing.

I do think this is what my parts worry about when they are worried about being ‘healed’. They are worried about things being bland. Things being boring.

Success by today’s standards isn’t healing.

However that is defined.

Success is about doing the dance.

Playing the part.

Being willing to do it the way that everyone else is doing.

Success isn’t about living in a way that is best for your system.

Success is about having your parts conform to the system.

Some of us choose to rebel against the system.

Gone and out of the house,

The feelings I would be feeling,

But trying to hide.

Have a purpose.

Have a why.

Have something greater than you.

This is a narrative I’ve been told many times.

That is the solution to life.

It’s a narrative that dates back to ancient times. Probably longer but I don’t know.

But, there is more to it.

What if it’s a part?

I think yes.

Because I committed to doing this daily.

But I am tired.

And having been to the gym my body is doing that thing where it gets sick.

It annoys me a lot.

Sleep is what I need.

But this battle. This fear.

That my body will always get in the way of success.

That even if my psyche isn’t broken after all then my body it.

That there will always be something holding me back.

Back from what?

I’ve been here before. This was me for a lot of last year.

This intensity is less. Sure.

But we are still back here.

Like a spiral I guess.

Well that’s fucking annoying - how do I get three more spirals up?

People just leave you behind if you’re not ready.

I don’t see one stand out moment.

I see a compilation. They all blur into one.

That if I wasn’t ready. They just went on.

As within, so without.

I am not getting to my goals because I am spread too thin.

I do need to focus.

I do need to narrow in.

No see that is what I don’t like.

I don’t want to narrow.

I still want to be open and expansive.

But letting go.

Yes, that I can do.