I want to live a beautiful life.
Have a purpose.
Have a why.
Have something greater than you.
This is a narrative I’ve been told many times.
That is the solution to life.
It’s a narrative that dates back to ancient times. Probably longer but I don’t know.
But, there is more to it.
What if it’s a part?
Yes have values. Values guide HOW I want to do something.
Goals are what I want to do.
But I’ve been called for something more than this. I’ve been seeking.
But I had substituted.
I substiatued goals. Values.
They filled the gap for awhile. But each time they fell short. And so for the last 12 months I have been walking around, as Tolkien says wondering but not lost.
Seeking.
Knowing that goals and values were not it. That even purpose was not it.
The other night, in one of my, existential moments. When my system is on fire. Steroids. Popping off. It came to me.
Live a beautiful life.
Sure you could see this as a value but it’s more than that for me. In an instant is changed how I see my goals. What I have been chasing, seeking.
Then today I woke up feeling good after a few rough days.
I said “Like I wake up, feeling good, and then my system starts to say to me that I’m not really feeling better, it’s one part telling me that another part has just come in and is making me feel goood but I don’t actually feel good 🙄 and then, as I start to do things in a little thing, that’s not absolutely perfect, like dropping a spoon while washing the dishes – that critical part starts going “see I told ya, you’re not better”. And then there are these other parts on guard waiting for the chaos to erupt and the crisis to start”
And then she asked me: “I am curious if that can lead to feeling paralyzed hence the reason to keep going".
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
The fumble, the traffic jam.
I read it one way. Then realised what it was actually asking.
Starting my day feeling like I am walking in the dark, or in a scary place or somewhere you don’t know. {like a scary move, will the next step be when the floor falls in}. Each time you put a foot down, your like ‘ok the world didn’t collapse’. Ok I’m going to take another step.
THIS IS PARALYSIS TOO.
The idea that because I was taking steps - I was taking aligned action as per ACT, as per great thinkers.
Falsely thinking that if I wasn’t in collapse then I wasn’t paralysed.
BUT it is still paralysis.
It isn’t living.
So yet it kept me going. Yes that was necessary to some degree.
I want to live a beautiful life.
I want to see and feel the beauty.
My goals don’t need to be related to my purpose.
What I have been chasing for the last 18 months is not purpose, values or a reason.
I have wanted to not live paralysed. To not be constantly just “ok we took another step and the world didn’t explode”.
That is freedom in my system.
That is healing in my system.
To be free of bracing for the next step.
It’s not to do with the feelings. It’s not to do with the who I am or who I show up.
It’s to no constantly be on edge!
My system relaxes and says thank you.