I’m only writing this to make a point.

Because I committed to doing this daily.

But I am tired.

And having been to the gym my body is doing that thing where it gets sick.

It annoys me a lot.

Sleep is what I need.

But this battle. This fear.

That my body will always get in the way of success.

That even if my psyche isn’t broken after all then my body it.

That there will always be something holding me back.

Back from what?

Idk.

Anything.

Something that’s probably not even a thing to worry about.

But that is invalidating.

Ugg, the fact that no matter how frustrating it gets I have to come back to compassion. That pushing through isn’t the answer.

I feel like I am going down hill by the moment.

My throat getting more and more noticible.

My sore shoulders getting worse.

Why this week? I have so much to do this week.

So much I want to do.

The anger and fear and frustration that I am getting close to my 30 days also.

That yet again something will be taken from me.

That something is so close yet so far.

The annoyance that I have to go into over caring mode.

That I have so devote so much attention to how I can get over this instead of doing other things.

Just like the mental work.

That so much of my time has to be on dealing with the trauma. The pain.

Instead of living?

What if I could turn to myself with care?

With a love?

With a support for myself.

With a sense of holding myself while I am vulnerable.

And also I hear the voice say that we can do so much internal work.

AND that all healing cannot come from within.

We do not exist to be alone.

We do not exist to do this alone.

My sister shared things with me today.

Things that are healing to know.

That validate my experience. That let me know I didn’t make this all up.

I can do this alone. I will do this here on my own.

But what I want? A hug.

I want someone to hold me while I process all this.

I want someone to share this with.

Someone to distract me.

Someone to just hold me while I feel the feelings. While I piece it all back together again.

So I will do this alone. Because I will not put it off.

But I don’t want to be doing it alone.

I want a hug.

But I wonder - I was prepared to go to my grave only knowing what I knew. Making piece with what I knew.

What would the rest of my life have been like if I never found this out?

I would have been ok.

But it feels like I will be so much better now.

There is part of me that aches for the part that was going to go on and carry to load. To just be the one willing to carry that for me for the rest of my life.

Can you imagine such a daunting prospect? To know that your job is to carry that?

It feels heavy. It feels unfair.

But there was someone willing to do that for me.

Did you know that people are willing to do that for others?

They are willing to sacrifice.

That seems wild to me.

Is that love?

It’s not the love I want to give.

Is it the love I want to receive?

I’ve not really thought about the type of love I want to receive.

I think I’ve always just seen love as love.

Something that I imagined anyway.

What I had was not love.