It’s amazing how much denial there is

It’s a subtle voice.

Easy to miss.

Short sentences smooshed between a lot of other thinking. Often thinking that is loaded with a lot more emotion. Especially when compared to some of the events of this week.

But it was there.

I had noted it.

But I didn’t want to be honest that I had noted it.

Then today it was there much more. This time there was an active denial.

Not the if I move on fast enough we can pretend it didn’t register but the clear voice that says ‘no we don’t want that’.

Amazing how much my system filters what it is I’m allowed to want.

Because I can’t say that I’m not allowed to want things. But I’m not yet clear on what I am allowed to want either. But clearly I do things so some things must be allowed.

But I wanted it. I wanted the prize.

The silly little prize.

See it’s even still there. That my brain still says that as “silly little” - the judgement is there. Infused in. So easy to miss.

But I did want it. Even if I don’t actually want more t-shirts and can’t even drink the beer. A beanie would be nice though. Not sure I need 3 of them though😅 but I wanted to do the thing that got me the prize. I wanted to prioritise that.

I didn’t want to admit that I would change my life to get it though.

That I would have ended the meeting earlier. That I would have been more organised yesterday.

That I would have rushed this morning.

That would not have been ok to do. It’s not ok to prioritise myself like that.

[This all still feels like some big mystery to me but I have lifted the lid. I am taking things out one at a time.]