There once was this little girl who use to write letters to her dad. Letters of love but also trying to express how much he hurt her.  This little girl that tried to think of all the things he wanted and needed so she could do them in advance. She tried to think of the right things to like. The right music to be be into. The right sport to play. The right view and opinions to have. This little girl who spent so much time trying to work out what he was thinking.

I think a better term for what people mean when they experience me is disconnection.

They can’t connect.

And they can’t connect with me because I can’t connect with me.

I feel it again. Maybe it never go away.

I hear the voice. The one that says give up. Throw it all away.

I can’t keep up.

Everything is bouncing tonight. It’s really all over the place.

I can’t even write.

Is there such a thing as OF for feelings??

Arrogant doesn’t always mean bragging - it can also mean aloof.

People may think of you as arrogant b when you’re too self-indulged.

I always had the answer.

Not because I was any smarter.

Rather I believed I was dumber.

Random Thoughts

And while I won’t look back on my teens, 20s or at this rate my 30s and remember how happy I was, how spontaneous I was or how much joy there was.

I don’t think that’s a life less lived.

I see nothing but pain. I see looking back and seeing how heavy it was. How hard it was. How unspectacular it was.

It is my burden. The cross I have to bear.

Random Thoughts

Maybe it just needs to be enough.

A voice pops in and says 'haha yeah until that other part of you comes up who not only has absolutely zero interest in this but despises this idea’.

BUT when it comes to live - we actually have to live.

And getting deeply sucked into this idea that this stuff needs space all the time is going against some facts of life.

And I still haven’t got to what even triggered all this.

Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe that’s not the point?

And so, I end further and further away.

More and more disconnected.

Fredrick isn’t going away.

Somehow, we’re going to have to figure out how to work together.

It’s kinda annoying being human. Like there is no escape from this. This is how we are.

I notice the part that is over all this and just wants to work.

But I want this sorted for good. < A part? Ugg, see you can just go around in circles with parts like this.

Noticing the thoughts that say "he's back in touch with you because your energy has shifted, it's to do with you".

Ooh the depth of this narrative.

This interconnection that tells me how deeply engrained this idea is that who and how I am can control the world.

Like this is different even from 'manifesting'.

I’m still so angry.

Maybe I will be angry for my entire life. Maybe that’s just me.

Maybe I did think that keeping a blog would transform my anger so I wouldn’t feel it. Maybe I wasn’t being honest with myself.

But I see so many others and am so angry.

They get to be so average.

It all got too much so I hid.

And I needed this time to hide out.

To rest, recover and start to unpack a few things at time.

In my own pace.

I was able to uncover a lot. Make sense of a lot.

But those layers are done for now.

The next layers require me to go out there.

It’s a subtle voice.

Easy to miss.

Short sentences smooshed between a lot of other thinking. Often thinking that is loaded with a lot more emotion. Especially when compared to some of the events of this week.

But it was there.

I had noted it.

But I didn’t want to be honest that I had noted it.

A sense of being despondent. Sad. Heavy. Excluded. Alone.

Broken.

Feeling sad.

A sense that this is what my life will be like forever. That there is this default wiring that cannot be undone.