I’m trying to write.

Why does it not flow? Why do I keep getting stuck? Blank.

I know that I have this in me. I wouldn’t have got this far if I didn’t. But why can’t I access it now?

Whose concerned? Whose worried about what?

They can pull me out so well. Blank. Not even numb. Not even distracted. Just simply blank.

She has to look like she’s not sulking. She has to look like she’s not afraid. She has to comfort him without words. Sooth his hurts.

AND

She has to protect herself. Be absent enough to not be the centre of attention.

Be still enough to not draw attention. To fade into the backgroud.

Like it’s a do or die moment.

When really, it needs loving kindness.

To go at my pace. The pace I set. The pace that changes as needed.

Which is interesting because if I am not wanting to go back to who I was then then I am wanting to become some idealised version of me in the future.

There is no sense of now.

Wanting to change in IFS?

Where does wanting to change fit in IFS?

So far I am not satisfied with how IFS explains ‘every daylife’.

To be in relation, the Self also needs to learnt to trust the parts.

To let them do their jobs.

I think pure IFS people would argue then that this is not the Self - but other parts we need to have learn to trust the Self.

But if the Self doesn’t have any agenda, it can’t be impacted then how can this really be an equal relationship?

It’s not.

A part having a strong reaction is not always a sign of needing to be healed.

What? Roselle you’re going to upset a lot of people.

Oh well.

This needs to be said.

Now I get this was training. Training means we usually need to break down and over exaggerate aspects before we can get to nuance.

BUT if we are working with the wrong building blocks then we aren’t going to get the house we want.

Interesting I just had the urge to stop writing and put on lipstick and take selfies.

A part distracting me?

This part?

Ah I’ve lost connection.

That’s ok. That’s a lot. That’s more than I’ve had before.

There will be more.

I mean I feel better. I’ve been able to get things done and move through the day so much better.

But

I know that things haven’t been addressed. So they will come back again.

Relationships are about how you relate.

I don’t relate. Not in that intimate way. Not in that sense of bringing my whole self.

It’s like a test.

When they don’t get it right. She has the right to be angry. The right to feel let down. Justifiably upset that the world is a shitty place. Indignant at how shitty others are as humans.

It proves her right.

But I’m also not exactly sure what it’s right about.

I found myself hovering, pausing, bracing this morning.

Not the pausing and bracing from a place of desperate fear. Or shut down. Or overwhelm.

But from a sense of unknowing. Unfamiliarity.

It’s like sticky glue. Or that feeling of heavy sunscreen on your skin.

Or gum on the bottom of your shoe.

I was feeling so possible last night.

My body talks to me.

Some times I listen.

But mostly I don’t.

Ah, my brain sometimes.

A freudian ramble.

Enter with caution.

I thought, or there was a voice, that told me I would have given up by now.

And it kinda seemed that way for the last week.

Still got my training wheels on.

Ah the voices in my head.

Everything is itchy, sticky, annoying.

My head hurts. My shoulders hurt. I wonder if I’m sitting wrong and that is what is causing it.

It feels like I’ve got mosquitos landing on me. I don’t.

I need to blow my nose.

My arm is itchy.

How very kind of them?!

They do teach us how important team work is.