I’m really angry today.

Note sensitive topics are discussed in this post. Please read at your own discretion - consider where your system is today, how much you can handle, and what supports you have should this activate something in you.

Anger wasn’t allowed for me growing up.

Unless it was about injustice.

Fight for justice. Fight for what is right.

But angry at you?

Angry at how things had gone?

Nope. None of that was allowed.

What did I have to be angry about?

In my parent’s mind I had it good. I hadn’t suffered any of the injustices they had.

But wow was I angry.

I was so angry growing up.

It came out in small bursts. But the shame, oh the shame was so huge.

So I put all my energy into being perfect. Not being angry.

I still remember lashing out and hitting people.

But then others (adults) would never believe I would do something like that.

I notice when I am angry I don’t type well. You don’t see that just about every word is spelt wrong or has funny letters. Because anger takes me over. It’s partly why I am so afraid of it. I lose control.

And heaven forbid I be shamed for losing control.

Yet enter my confusion when so many other people seem to be able to just not be in control but we accept it.

we just let them be. We just let them bhave their mometns. We allos the behavouri. we still essem to accept them. we dont’ shut them down? and out? we still seem to love them.

^^^ That is what happens when I don’t make corrections.

Anger takes over.

But it is valid. What I witnessed was valid. I saw the discrepancy. I saw the difference in what I was allowed to do versus what others were allowed to do. Both within my own family and within society.

I saw that. The most mind fuckery of all, I think, isn’t when people behave a certain way that you don’t like or dont’ agree with.

The most mind fuckery of things is when your reality is denied. Sure call it gaslighting, whatever you want. But the simple fact is the most fucked up thing for a person, especially a kid, is to see how something is and be told they are not seeing it.

But it is so embedded in me that my own mind tries to do this to me.

Even writing this my mind is saying but you know that you only see the world as you are - it’s just an unhealed exile/inner child that is making you see the world that way.

So maybe none of that happened. Maybe really was just how you perceived it.

And this, folks, is how one ends up in very dark places in one’s brain.

How one ends up wanting on the regular to harm oneself or to giving up on life. To end it all.

There is no end. There seems to be no out.

Can you imagine being so afraid of being angry that the solution is to kill onself?

So deeply afraid to be angry that you’d rather not experience it at all?

I have, in this moment, but not always, a deep sense of compassion. I want to hug the one in me that is so deeply afraid of being angry.

What must it be like to be that afraid that that seems like the solution?

What must it be like to be in so much pain that it seems like the only way out is to do something so radical?

It brings me so much compassion for the parts of me that have tried so desperately to keep me from being angry. That try to keep me doing things, busy, avoiding connection, thinking - just about anything so that I can avoid being angry. They have been so desperately trying to keep me alive.

I notice that my writing is not full of mistakes now. It is easeful. There has been a shift in my system.

But I also notice anger is not there.

The system has succeeded in pulling it away.

I can’t blame them.

The risk is high.

The risk is real.

This is not the answer.

This is not the end of this dance.

But things are getting clearer.