I think I might POP

The, it’s hard to start, I feel jilted. I feel like I can’t breathe.*

My brain is racing. I can see it racing too. The part that want to make sense of it all is in over-working mode.

I see all the parts rushing in.

The part that wants to stop the rush.

Like a bulge.

I see why we employ such strategies to keep ourself safe.

I have a wave of compassion for others who employ such techniques.

I hear the voice that says I am shit and should give up on this.

Of course I will only remember the negative. The one that said it wasn’t of value for them.

Not the ones that were helpful.

The part that wants to note the learnings: be more specific, don’t do it on a Friday afternoon.

The part that wants me to sit with the “you can’t please every one”

The part that fears we can never make any one happy.

The part that says we’re not qualified enough.

The part that has shut it all down.

Put life back in gear.

But it is a lifeless going. Like a gear that has no meaning because it is on tracks. A false sense of control.

The part that is angry that it has to ‘play the game’. That it has to do the dance with others.

I feel the hiding coming up.

The, well, I’ll just shrink back.

I notice the Performer sit up. Step forward. It sees the way it needs to carry me through the world.

Hold it together like we have it together. Not that we are feeling this deep, deep pain.

That we crave connection. That we want a hug.

But that we fear that when we get that and are told that, that it is avoiding the real issue and that we will never get to the bottom of it to sort it out.

That it’s all a cover to have connection. To connect is to ignore. To avoid.

I can see how it can be that. I can see how it can be used for that.

The sense of pride that I started writing, that I moved towards connecting with myself.

The sense that my parts still need me to DO things. Not just make friends with them.

They aren’t just friends who want to sit around and talk.

They want to do.

The one that fears that we are feeling better and that we haven’t “really addressed the issue”.

The parts that are angry that we didn’t listen to them. That we knew this is not what we wanted to do, how we wanted to do it. They chastise me for going ahead. They tell me “of course this happened”.

I notice the parts that simply want to go back to bed. To sleep. To hide. To run from this pain in my chest.

The ball which is expanding.

Oh I know this feeling.

I see the anxiety attack which led me to the disability support students lounge.

I see the anxiety that put me behind the door on my pile of clothes.

Collapsed on the floor of the library.

I see how this has shown up before.

I see how I have ‘run’ from this. Run is a horrible word. I see how I have been kept safe by my parts.

So what next?

The bulge subsides, but is that because those parts have been heard? Or because the Performer has kicked in?

I can find it so hard to connect with myself at times. So hard to determine what is what.

My shut down / disconnect parts have been so strong in my life. And they have served me well.

But also they are no longer something I value. I did value them for a long time. And they still have their place.

AND

I desire more for my life.

I get to write this script. I am not subject to my parts.

I am in control (oh the voice that says, is this Self? because recent thoughts are that Self has no agenda, it has no intention for my life. It’s only intention is Presence. To be witness. To connect with my Parts and others Self - TBC on connecting to others Self).

But even if this is not coming from Self. I, the collective I, the SELF that is the entirety of my center-Self and my Parts, my Whole Self, is in control.

Together they are all in control. I still get to choose. I still get to direct. So what if that comes from a specific part? What’s wrong with that Part taking the lead? Maybe that is it’s intended role?

Maybe the collective meaning continues to be developed. Made. Evolve.

The voice that fears now I feel good and “haven’t resolved the issue’”

Tell me, tell me what you fear is so wrong if I don’t “resolve the the issue”.

An echo. A silence. A stunned look of confusion.

A “what do you mean? there is nothing that can go wrong, it just must be this way”.

Thankful for the part that got me up and writing. That kept the full collapse from happening.

Noticing the part that is bringing up other relationships that feel vulnerable right now. That’s playing out the defensive response of “well you didn’t text me”.

The part that feels if we do too much of our own way, that we won’t care. That sees me moving forward with conviction and putting aside others negative feedback as, being arrogant. And being a horrible person. As living out of alignment with my values.

The part that then feels torn because how do we live? How do we get a life?

The part that wants to default to “they are just acting out of a part”, but then the part that says “but what if they are coming from Self” and the part that says “is feedback only valid when it’s from Self, since when did we stop validating experience?” to the part that then says “but validating their experience that it was negative isn’t the same as recognising it as TRUTH or that it needs us to change”.

Appreciating the part that had me keep writing when I thought it was all done and there was no more to explore.

Maybe there is no Exile to heal? Maybe it’s about witnessing? About acknowledging, about being present with. It seems like a never ending spiral one could go on to find an Exile. But one would forever be finding Exiles. The system can’t revolve around Exiles. I think this also demonises these parts. How about we just let things be?

I can see within a therapy setting how this conclusion would be reached, but that is one context. There is more to life.

Pulled away - come back and notice the calm isn’t there. There is a sense of panic. A sense of OMG, this is more of a mind racing panic. Some bulge in the chest. But more that the brain is going 100 mph.

The peace and contentment which had been reached is gone.

But even in acknowledging that, there is something back. A sense that there is a way forward.

____________________________

*Note this doesn’t make much sense at the start but I wrote it true to the way it was coming up and out for me. Honouring the intensity and chaos of the experience.